


walking on ruins (of the heart)

by johnjaes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged up characters, Angst, Christianity, Drug Dealing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gambling, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Possessive Behavior, Self-Discovery, Thievery, bottom!jaehyun, conclusion: lots of illegal and pain, implied murder by underage character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 05:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8565715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnjaes/pseuds/johnjaes
Summary: it's an hour past midnight. the world around them is dead quiet and the air feels suffocating. jaehyun feels hansol's eyes on him as they lay together under layers of blankets to fend off december chills. "don't go.""i wanna see the world, hansol. i wanna know what i'm missing out on." there's a tone in jaehyun's voice that shows his determination. years of wanderlust and the yearn of freedom bottled up in one plane ticket settled in the pocket of his backpack that he's never told hansol about."let's sleep." a brush of lips. hansol is rendered helpless, arms tight around jaehyun's slighter frame.





	

 

 

 

 

the day jaehyun decides to leave seoul, it’s particularly cold, only the warmth from the sun preventing his exposed skin from frosting up in the biting winter. mark is incredibly calm when jaehyun breaks the news to him as they both sit in the bustling coffee shop they frequented during their years in high school.

“you finally leaving?” mark doesn’t look up from his laptop, fingers furiously typing out the script jaehyun knows he’s been procrastinating on.

there’s no curiosity in his tone and jaehyun knows why.

“yeah. you gonna miss me?” it’s a soft jab that jaehyun throws unintentionally, and he nearly doesn't catch the look on mark’s face, a look that he finds hard to decipher. eyes round (well rounder than mark’s usual state of round eyes) and the corner of his lips quivering, jaehyun thinks it means he might be right.

he doesn’t ask and mark quickly goes back to a robotic stare at his brightly lit screen (too bright for jaehyun’s liking and the health of human eyes). jaehyun wonders if he should take that as a yes when mark’s typing continues not a moment later.

it’s a pause too long but mark does eventually throw a “you wish” at him when jaehyun is knocking back his coffee, the dark rings from last night’s hurried transcription hanging heavy under his eyes.

they don’t talk and jaehyun stares at the rush of people outside, boots crushing snow and feet walking faster, marching through the december weather.

winter only lasts so long. the sound of fingers speeding on a keyboard is the last thing jaehyun remembers before he falls asleep that night.  
  
  
  


—  
  
  


eighteen;  
  


winter is a horrible time to be out in the woods, trying to find flowers that mark will write his project on for his research paper as his final science project. 

it sucks, the snow mixes with the mud and it becomes a murky and unpleasant stain on jaehyun’s new shoes. there is snow that falls from the branches and drop on their heads. the air is thick and every breath he talks feel sharp, like the cold will pierce his lungs. but mark seems to enjoy their walk that lasts longer than either of them could keep track of, so jaehyun doesn’t mind.

“hyung, where are we?”

mark asks after what feels like hours of plain walking. there’s confusion and perhaps worry laced in mark’s question. jaehyun shrugs and looks around them, he can’t tell from tree to tree, much less find their way out. it’s probably hopeless and they’re going to find themselves trapped inside the forest forever, waiting out until they’ve died of hunger or maybe they will get eaten by a wild animal. nothing really phases jaehyun, but mark seems a lot more distressed.

“it’s gonna be fine.” jaehyun mutters with no sign of confidence. mark believes him though, most likely does, at least. because mark is smiling, albeit small and full of uncertainties. he doesn’t look as fearful and jaehyun briefly believes himself as well.

it takes them hours and a lot of shivering. they finally make it out of the forest and standing on the hill behind their school with the sunset looming over the sky is a very new feeling. jaehyun decides that it’s either relief or the snow getting into his head.

that night, jaehyun walks mark home with stiff shoulders and a cold creeping up on the both of them. jaehyun hands mark the flower he’d picked up around hour three and four inside the forest and mark beams at him, hands closing around the flower as though it’s the most precious thing in the world.

at that moment, jaehyun wishes he could protect that smile forever. that brilliant smile and that brilliant boy.  
  
  
  


—  
  
  


thirteen;  
  


jaehyun and mark met when they were forced to attend service. both their families devoted christians, both of them lonesome outcasts.

the first time they sat together was when mark just moved to korea, friendless and lacking abilities to properly interact with other kids his age. jaehyun noticed his struggle, kind of saw himself in that scrawny kid who would sit alone and flip through the bible with a peculiar expression every sunday morning.

the first thing mark said when jaehyun settled on the seat next to him was, “why is love restricted to man and woman. they tell us that we should consecrate to god, and they tell us that god loves all us. but why can’t we love everyone as well?”

jaehyun was left speechless and when he shifted, he caught sight of the purpling bruise on the child’s cheek.

a boy who knew so much and felt so deeply at an age so young.

“because,” jaehyun reached a hand out and pressed the pages of the bible together, his fingers brushing against the back of a small bony hand. “people fear the power and responsibility that comes with love. everyone can learn to love, but not everyone can learn to be kind.”

the boy’s lips pressed together in what appeared to be a grim line. jaehyun wondered if the answer he had provided was not what the boy anticipated.

the small bony hand clasped at his own, that was larger but just as bony. jaehyun felt an unfamiliar warmth spread in his heart, round and untainted eyes stared at him like he’d seen the stars up close and knew all of the secrets they held.

“hyung, can we love each other?”

jaehyun smiled and gave the hand a light squeeze. maybe there was still some hope for the world.  
  
  


—  
  
  


seventeen;  
  
  


“what were you thinking?!”

the words come harsh and questioning, jaehyun is still spewing water from his mouth.

a month ago, his boyfriend and the first boy he’d ever learned to love had died and jaehyun didn’t do anything, because there was nothing he could do.

jungwoo gave up his breath too soon, a piece of jaehyun’s shattered heart died with him.

it’s horribly rash behavior, jaehyun realizes when his fringe is sticking to his forehead uncomfortably and mark is peering down at him, eyes scrutinizing but filled to the brim with worry. he hears the calming splash of waves against the shore and the squawk of seagulls overhead, jungwoo must be feeling at peace here, and probably really mad at him.

“you scared me.”

jaehyun lets strong arms wrap around him and mark’s forehead pressed to the dip between his neck and shoulder. mark is fifteen now, still thin but with finer muscles that managed to pull jaehyun to shore somehow. he reminds jaehyun of jungwoo when they first met at this beach, but jungwoo made his heart beat a different pace, made him smile a different way.

he feels ashamed, but the depressing emotions had driven him on. to swim out to the deeper waters and dip his head back until he was barely grazing the surface. it felt soothing, and he felt like he was with jungwoo again.

a shaking hand settles on the back of his head, fingers threading into his drenched and tangled hair. jaehyun doesn’t say anything, he merely smiles. because that’s enough, mark understands. mark always does.  
  
  


—  
  
  


twenty one ;  
  


his heart skips a beat when he arrives at the full parking lot and his stomach lurches at the sight of an empty entrance.

that means the ceremony has started and he’s late.

jaehyun groans and recklessly leaves the car stopped in front of another car, running into the double doors with a bouquet of orchids that look sharp and divine. he hopes it’s enough to make up for the fact that he managed to be late for mark’s graduation.

no one seems bothered by his sudden appearance, but no one really cares, when it’s their children's’ big day. jaehyun shuffles into a seat at the back, next to a lady dressed in white, prim and proper. he registers that most guests are parents and siblings. jaehyun is neither, but he knows he’s a lot more than that.

“lee minhyung.”

his head snaps forward when mark’s korean name is announced, the grip of his hold around the bouquet nearly crumpling the delicate wrapping paper.

mark stands on the stage, brandishing a maroon graduation gown and the ridiculous matching hat. he bows, hands taking hold of the certificate with a sunshine smile on his face.

it’s a spectacular sight and jaehyun feels himself swell with pride. this boy, grown and mature, accepted into yonsei university with a full scholarship and paving a limitless future, is the boy he had taken under his wing over eight years ago.

jaehyun claps and cheers, watching the spotlight shine down on mark like a halo. mark lifts his head after his courteous bow towards the crowd and their gazes meet. jaehyun nods at mark, _you did it._ and mark nods back, _thank you for being here, and always being with me._  
  
  


—  
  
  


the ride to the airport is masked with a sense of easiness that they have developed with each other over the near decade. the melancholic undertone doesn’t go unnoticed, jaehyun knows mark too well.

“thanks for seeing me off, i know you’ve been really busy.”

mark waves a hand at his words, trying to come off nonchalant and unbothered. but when he looks away, jaehyun sees the light catching in his eyes. it betrays him and the tears that threaten to fall any moment.

of course, jaehyun knows. but knowing mark, he’d deny them and run off. it’s possibly their last time seeing each other in the years to come, jaehyun doesn’t want his last memory of mark to be the younger male’s retreating backside.

his hand feels clammy underneath his gloves, the weight of the coat hanging from his shoulders isn’t foreign. but the crack of mark’s tone whenever he tries to speak is, he’s rarely this affected, and if he has been, he disguises it thoroughly well.

“guess this is goodbye?”

the air suddenly feels awkward and jaehyun doesn’t want mark to remember him as the one who left him behind. so jaehyun reaches around mark and pulls the boy into a tight hug, like it’s their last. (and it very well might be.)

when he pulls back, he knows his own endurance is shattering, he doesn’t allow it to. “yes. goodbye mark,” he lips press firmly onto the boy’s forehead, on the freshly dyed auburn hair.

mark nods, his expression solemn (or is it gloomy?), like the first day they met in that hollow church on a sunday service. he doesn't ask "when are you coming back", and jaehyun is thankful, because he can't answer that. (they both know.)

 

on december 19th 2015, no tears are shed. jaehyun boards the plane for tokyo.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> every member or duo will have a chapter (or more but depends). i dont know how inspired ill be and how long this'll be, although i have most of the plot mapped out. and no, none of the minors are minors anymore (except maybe jisung and chenle), and there is no sex with any of the minor's characters. anyways lemme know what yall think so far and who do you think will be next!


End file.
